How do you feel?

Its far and away the more common question that people have been asking. Most everyone, however is asking two questions in one, “How do you feel?” and “How do you feel?” The answers to both questions vary by day, and at times by the hour.

Symptomatically, I do exhibit signs of uremia, (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uremia), or a buildup of waste within the body, because of my kidneys’ inability to clear waste properly. I am thankfully free of the pain that some experience with Polycystic Kidney, but I do get tired, I don’t sleep well, and my appetite isn’t what is should be. I also have patches of itchy skin and my feet and hands cramp easily, particularly if I have been standing or working with my hands. These things are troublesome, but, far and away, the most bothersome is that the uremia has affected my senses of taste and smell. Food tastes different. I take great pleasure in sourcing and cooking delicious meals, and fancy myself to have developed quite a nimble hand in the kitchen, but my taste hasn’t been there lately, and the creativity certainly has suffered. Of all of these, the altered smell is the worst. Everything smells like ammonia. Everything. All the time. Imagine slicing off a sliver of Ivory soap and gluing it in the space between your lips and nose. It doesn’t go away…. These are manageable symptoms for now, but absent of any medical intervention, they will get worse, and likely expand. Fortunately, these conditions should leave no permanent injury, and should dissipate once I begin dialysis or with the placement of a new and properly functioning kidney.

At times I feel overwhelmed, tired, stressed, scared, sad, frustrated, frightened, slighted, marginalized, shocked, stunned, afraid, anxious, empty, and confused. At other times I feel thankful, confident, invincible, grateful, content, happy, and hopeful. Oftentimes I feel many of these at once, and at other times, I’m not quite sure what I am feeling. These last few weeks have been a safari of emotion, and my ticket calls for an unlimited tour.

We have been emboldened by your response, your offers to help, your words of encouragement, your thoughts, your prayers, and your love. I appreciate each hug, kind word, and proverbial pat on the back. I have a tremendous cheering section and I can certainly hear the roar of the crowd. Depending on how I feel or feel, at the time, I may not give it the proper measure of appreciation, but please accept my warmest and most sincere thanksgiving for the love that you bring.